Christian Living

How to Beat Your Fear of Failure

~ The Reluctant Bride ~ 2 Comments
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Daniel Swanson Photography

They key is to try. Just keep trying.

I want so much to know God better; to become more organized; to practice healthier habits; and to keeping moving steadily toward my future goals.

I am also so very afraid.

Much like everyone else on this planet, I have trouble maintaining momentum. I do really well for a few weeks, and then I realize that I haven’t exercised or written a blog post in days … and then weeks. Heck, I even follow a blog about how to write a good blog, and the author warned me about that very problem.

Because of my pride, I hate to acknowledge that I’m one of “those” people who sets a goal and then gets tired. As soon as my excitement and motivation wane, so do my efforts. Enter discouragement. Enter self-doubt. Enter fear.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photogrpahy
Daniel Swanson Photography
Strange, isn’t it, that while engaged in trying, I don’t feel scared? The moment I stand still, I start to wonder about the future, imagining an endless series of false starts. Then I attempt to mask my sense of inadequacy with excuses. It’s not a big deal; I’m doing fine. That goal didn’t matter very much anyway. I’ll get better. I’m just stressed out today.

What if, instead of assuaging my guilt with meaningless self-talk, I chose to silence my worries by trying again? Push “play” on a workout video. Open a new tab. Channel the mental energy I’ve been wasting on shame into trying.

Suddenly I’m back in college, listening to my classmates fret about upcoming assignments instead of working on said assignments. I pleaded guilty to the same crime on many occasions. Almost always, opening a book calmed my fears enough to help me focus. Turns out trying is an instant morale boost.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Trying is an instant morale boost.

Not only do I forget my fears while trying, but I also stop obsessing about the outcome. Stuck in a state of nervous inactivity, I create elaborate plans about what I will accomplish once I finally [get motivated] or [get over this cold] or [get back from this trip] or [insert other excuses].  In the midst of trying, however, my goals automatically shrink to realistic sizes … and I don’t mind so much.

I am often surprised to discover that when I actually try instead of berating myself for not trying sooner, I start to enjoy the process. As much as we avoid work; as much as we complain about work; as much as we dread the work ahead of time; effort feels good.

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So don’t worry about the times you didn’t succeed in the past. Just try again. Simply by trying, you can let go of the shame of previous inconsistency, silence your inner critic, applaud the courage it took to try one more time — and there it is!

The elusive motivator you’ve been seeking.

Trying makes you want to try again.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

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Daniel Swanson Photography

You’re Doing a Good Job

~ The Reluctant Bride ~ Leave a comment

I’m going to say this again because you need to hear it:

You’re doing a good job.

Keep going. Don’t get discouraged; don’t give up. Right now, you can’t see the progress because you’re too close to the situation. I promise you’re becoming something beautiful.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

Recently my husband and I have been working on communicating better about a few hot-button topics, and it’s been rough. After three years of marriage, I noticed that we tended to repeat the same arguments, and every time those issues came up, things got a little more heated. It had finally gotten to the point where we weren’t talking about those subjects any more. We were only fighting about them. Something had to give.

We started trying to develop some healthier habits, but the process was extremely emotional. I came close to quitting because I didn’t see any difference. (Just to clarify, I considered giving up on the habits, not the marriage. We love each other a lot and are committed for life. Didn’t want you to worry.) Then, over the holidays, my sister made a passing comment about how happy and connected we seemed. It took me by surprise.

Really? We seem happy and connected?

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

Since then I’ve noticed it myself, but at the time my family’s encouragement gave me the boost I needed to keep trying. That’s what I’m praying this blog post does for you.

Now, because we’re sinful human beings in need of a Savior, I do need to acknowledge the possibility that you’re not doing a good job. Maybe you’re giving in to your fears. Maybe you’re harboring unresolved bitterness.

Believe me, I’ve been there. Back when I resisted marrying my husband, I knew perfectly well that I was allowing fear to rule me … but recognizing my failure didn’t help. After all, I didn’t want to give in to anxiety. At the time, I honestly didn’t feel like I had control. In that scenario, there’s only one thing to remember:

You may not be doing a good job, but Jesus is.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

You may not be doing a good job, but Jesus is.

Looking back at my worst moments, God inevitably used them for my benefit. In that dark, dark season when I thought God had abandoned me, He was working toward a display of His glory that would leave me stunned. So if you’re not at your best currently, don’t sweat it. Trust God to be better. In the meantime, I’m here to reassure you that yes, you will get there eventually. Don’t lose heart.

I sincerely believe that right now, today, you are doing a good job. More importantly, however, your heavenly Father always does a good job — and He loves you so, so much.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

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Why Routines Are the Key to Progress

~ The Reluctant Bride ~ 2 Comments
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Without routines, you will not achieve lasting change.

Think for a moment about the people you know who never seem to find success. Do they  get excited about new goals only to give up after a few weeks? In my experience, people who never learn consistency spend their lives feeling frustrated, unsatisfied, and stuck. You do not need to become one of those people.

All you need to do is the same thing, every day, for the rest of your life.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

People who never learn consistency spend their lives feeling stuck.

If I may be vulnerable with you for a moment, standing still is probably my greatest fear.

Stagnation terrifies me because, in my weakest, most passive state, I don’t move forward. I never would have gone to college if my parents hadn’t pushed me. I couldn’t have married anyone less stubborn than my husband because no other man would have waited so long. For me, the status quo holds a lot of allure. I love routines because they save me from myself.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

For me, the status quo holds a lot of allure.

A good routine guarantees eventual progress. A few minutes of practice every day at almost any skill will yield results over a lifetime. Routines help me to feel secure because I don’t need to worry about regressing. As long I persevere, I will continue to improve.

Now, please understand that routines do not guarantee perfection. They only ensure progress. As a recovering perfectionist, I know that my desire for perfection often destroys any chance at self-improvement because I don’t begin. Fear of failure keeps me from trying at all. When I do finally get started, I tend to waste all of my energy perfecting the first step and never reach the end.

Instead of attempting perfection, I want to be content with forward motion.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

Right now, I’d like to move closer to Christ. It’s been a while since I maintained a solid routine of prayer and Bible study, and I’m afraid of missing out on Jesus. Maybe it sounds simplistic, but I’ve seen how graciously God responds when I extend a little effort. Sometimes I think Christians over-spiritualize their relationships with God. As with any human friendship, consistent communication builds stronger bonds.

You already know the routines that will propel you toward your goal. You also recognize when you need to switch things up so you don’t go completely crazy. I’m praying this post gives you the encouragement you need to keep going. Maybe you don’t see the progress right now, but sticking with something almost always works.

Routines tend to be boring. They’re hardly ever fun, entertaining, or exciting. They don’t always feel like progress in the moment, and they require a lot of dogged determination and tedious repetition. They’re also the only way to achieve lasting change.

Don’t give up.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

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Daniel Swanson Photography

 

 

Your Life Isn’t Boring

~ The Reluctant Bride ~ Leave a comment
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I did not want to come home from Christmas vacation this year.

As my husband will attest, I grumped my way through long stretches of the thirteen-and-a-half hour drive through the snow from Deming, New Mexico to Littleton, Colorado. Going home meant returning to responsibility, which felt overwhelming. Dishes, laundry, cat litter, weary days at work, grocery shopping, lonely nights when my husband had to work late, and much-needed home repairs stretched before me with depressing certainty. I preferred to stay at his parents’ house, sleeping the mornings away and watching Christmas movies endlessly.

Then I actually got home.

Turns out, I missed my sweet kitties. It felt really good to exercise again. My stomach thanked me for a break from the rich food. I enjoyed my first days back at my job, and I discovered a fresh wave of motivation to get started on my goals for 2019. My husband even surprised me with Wicked tickets as an early anniversary gift, and then we watched a movie on the couch together.

So … what was I dreading, exactly?

Instead of boring, mundane, or difficult, my ordinary life turned out to be full of delightful moments. I loved my routines — even getting back to my own toothpaste made me smile. How had I forgotten so quickly? Feeling foolish, I found myself thanking God for this lovely life that I live.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

My ordinary life turned out to be full of delightful moments.

Your life might not look anything like mine, but I’m guessing that you have plenty of reasons to appreciate your daily routines, too. Instead of complaining about tomorrow, maybe you could learn from my mistake and make up your mind to notice the little blessings. As I’m discovering, the day ahead is rarely as difficult as I imagine.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

An Exercise in Humility

~ The Reluctant Bride ~ Leave a comment
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Hopefully no one will read this particular blog post because it’s a little embarrassing.

My boss asked us to come up with a few holiday promotion ideas for the radio station this year, and one of my coworkers suggested a charitable drive that might benefit veterans. The theme fit the station since the owner of our broadcasting company has frequently emphasized the horrifying statistics about veteran suicides in America.

I got on the phone with the founder of an organization called ACTS (A Community Taking a Stand) and asked if she had any needs that we could fill. She runs a 5-bedroom home where previously-homeless veterans live temporarily as they get back on their feet. She said yes: they needed cleaning supplies for the house. Another co-worker and myself created a list, printed a flier, and got a few of our advertising partners involved.

The response surprised us. Listeners and clients alike donated new pillows, blankets, canned goods, personal hygiene items, cleaning supplies, and more until our colorful Christmas boxes overflowed onto the floor. We reported our results to our boss, who seemed pleased. I started to think, Look what a nice thing we’re doing, which quickly devolved into, Look what a good person I am. Oops.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

After proudly describing my efforts to a few friends and family members, basking in the glow of a good deed, I ran into an actual veteran in the elevator at work and started to experience the uncomfortable prickle of conviction because I don’t actually know what I’m talking about. I know close to nothing about our military or their families. I’ve never even met these veterans I’m getting paid to “help.” I certainly shouldn’t take credit.

Note to self: anytime I start to think highly of my own efforts, I’d better tread carefully.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

The trouble with observing my own vanity is that I can’t do much to change it. All I can do is ask God, “Would you help me to see things as they really are?” Since He’s gracious, He’ll intervene to adjust my perspective. Until then, I should probably shut up about it.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

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Daniel Swanson Photography

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’  – Jesus, Luke 17:10

The Actual Point of Life

~ The Reluctant Bride ~ 2 Comments
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Daniel Swanson Photography

I’m on the verge of learning something incredible about God.

He’s been leading up to this for a while; I can feel it. At least, I hope I’m right.

My mom went back to school for a degree in counseling, and she needed someone to discuss a book with her: With. Yes, the title is only one word long. I’m a little judge-y about the author’s choice of words because, in my opinion, he’s trying a little too hard to be trendy. You don’t need to perform linguistic acrobatics to reach young Christians. But anyway, the basic idea of the book is that God doesn’t have an agenda other than being with us — hanging out with us — having a personal relationship with us.

It’s too good to be true.

But I think, maybe, it is.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

Part of the book that really blew me away talked about God walking through the garden with Adam in Genesis. Suddenly it occurred to me that we don’t see many descriptions of Heaven in the Bible, and the ones we do glimpse are tough to understand because of the imagery and mystery. In the beginning, though, we find one clear and simple picture of what it should have been like between us and God. And the picture is this: God and mankind going for a walk in the garden together.

I don’t know if this hits you the way it gets to me because it seems so crazy, so unimaginable, that God would want to be with us like that. No goals. No needs. Just walking along together. And if that’s how things started out … then isn’t that where things are eventually headed again?

Daniel Swanson Photography

There are so many amazing implications about going for a walk in the garden with God because the experience will look a little different for everyone. Some people will want to talk to God, others to be quiet and simply look around in wonder. Still others will want to get to work, plowing the earth and making things grow, and He’ll enjoy every moment with every person. There’s a huge amount of garden to explore and so many thoughts to think and personalities to uncover and questions to ask, and all along He just wants to be with us.

It makes me want to cry. Not sure if you understand what I’m starting to grasp because I probably still have a lot more to unearth on this particular topic. God obviously does have goals and plans and a grand direction, an elaborate story to tell, but the end game is presented right there in the beginning of Genesis: going for a walk together. And what a walk it will be!

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

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Daniel Swanson Photography

P.S. I’d love to hear what you think because this idea seems fragile in my heart, like I’m still struggling to believe it could really be true that God would want us. Do you agree?

Why I’m Thankful for Mood Swings

~ The Reluctant Bride ~ 1 Comment
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Daniel Swanson Photography

I haven’t been my best self lately, and I’m searching for the silver lining.

As usual, my husband has borne the brunt of my instability. I’ve had extreme mood swings for weeks — no, I’m not pregnant — and a few embarrassing low moments that shone an unwanted spotlight on my ugly side. A couple of counseling sessions later, I’m learning to remind myself in those dark places that my emotions are not my husband’s fault. My heart is my own responsibility.

Then, driving home from work the other day, I saw a house decorated with rainbow Christmas lights.

This probably sounds silly, but my whole body relaxed into happy enjoyment. I really, really like Christmas lights. When I got married on January 2nd, my mom asked the church to leave up the lights after Christmas so I’d have them for my wedding. Seeing those lights from my car the other day pulled me out of a spiritual stupor long enough to appreciate my surroundings.

Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography
Daniel Swanson Photography

Sometimes I hate my own feelings because they have the power to paralyze me, but I believe that God gave us emotions to reflect part of His character. He has big feelings, too. Maybe when I experience emotions more intensely, I can also love Him more deeply. Certain Bible verses mean more. Some church services hit harder. Everything makes me cry, so I might as well cry about Jesus.

Everything makes me cry, so I might as well cry about Jesus.

I never want to put too much stock in my emotions because they often lie to me. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I’m only grumpy because I’m hormonal; my boss isn’t actually being unreasonable; my husband doesn’t actually hate me; I shouldn’t completely unravel. Still, big emotions have their place in the Christian walk. Don’t they?

Thankfully, all of this craziness on my part hasn’t made my husband bitter against me. He’s so willing to forgive. I will continue to try not to blame him for my feelings. At the same time, I did allow myself to feel big emotions at a Christmas concert tonight. After all, as the singer reminded me, the same Jesus who held babies in his lap will also descend from heaven with a sword coming out of his mouth. That’s worth being thrilled about!

Lord, use my weakness to clear the cobwebs from my heart so that You may take up residence there. Put my unstable, fickle feelings to use for Your kingdom. Thank you for Christmas lights.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line — mature, complete, and wanting nothing. – James 1:2-4 (The Voice Bible)

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