An Exercise in Humility

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Hopefully no one will read this particular blog post because it’s a little embarrassing.

My boss asked us to come up with a few holiday promotion ideas for the radio station this year, and one of my coworkers suggested a charitable drive that might benefit veterans. The theme fit the station since the owner of our broadcasting company has frequently emphasized the horrifying statistics about veteran suicides in America.

I got on the phone with the founder of an organization called ACTS (A Community Taking a Stand) and asked if she had any needs that we could fill. She runs a 5-bedroom home where previously-homeless veterans live temporarily as they get back on their feet. She said yes: they needed cleaning supplies for the house. Another co-worker and myself created a list, printed a flier, and got a few of our advertising partners involved.

The response surprised us. Listeners and clients alike donated new pillows, blankets, canned goods, personal hygiene items, cleaning supplies, and more until our colorful Christmas boxes overflowed onto the floor. We reported our results to our boss, who seemed pleased. I started to think, Look what a nice thing we’re doing, which quickly devolved into, Look what a good person I am. Oops.

After proudly describing my efforts to a few friends and family members, basking in the glow of a good deed, I ran into an actual veteran in the elevator at work and started to experience the uncomfortable prickle of conviction because I don’t actually know what I’m talking about. I know close to nothing about our military or their families. I’ve never even met these veterans I’m getting paid to “help.” I certainly shouldn’t take credit.

Note to self: anytime I start to think highly of my own efforts, I’d better tread carefully.

The trouble with observing my own vanity is that I can’t do much to change it. All I can do is ask God, “Would you help me to see things as they really are?” Since He’s gracious, He’ll intervene to adjust my perspective. Until then, I should probably shut up about it.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

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So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’  – Jesus, Luke 17:10

The Actual Point of Life

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I’m on the verge of learning something incredible about God.

He’s been leading up to this for a while; I can feel it. At least, I hope I’m right.

My mom went back to school for a degree in counseling, and she needed someone to discuss a book with her: With. Yes, the title is only one word long. I’m a little judge-y about the author’s choice of words because, in my opinion, he’s trying a little too hard to be trendy. You don’t need to perform linguistic acrobatics to reach young Christians. But anyway, the basic idea of the book is that God doesn’t have an agenda other than being with us — hanging out with us — having a personal relationship with us.

It’s too good to be true.

But I think, maybe, it is.

Part of the book that really blew me away talked about God walking through the garden with Adam in Genesis. Suddenly it occurred to me that we don’t see many descriptions of Heaven in the Bible, and the ones we do glimpse are tough to understand because of the imagery and mystery. In the beginning, though, we find one clear and simple picture of what it should have been like between us and God. And the picture is this: God and mankind going for a walk in the garden together.

I don’t know if this hits you the way it gets to me because it seems so crazy, so unimaginable, that God would want to be with us like that. No goals. No needs. Just walking along together. And if that’s how things started out … then isn’t that where things are eventually headed again?

There are so many amazing implications about going for a walk in the garden with God because the experience will look a little different for everyone. Some people will want to talk to God, others to be quiet and simply look around in wonder. Still others will want to get to work, plowing the earth and making things grow, and He’ll enjoy every moment with every person. There’s a huge amount of garden to explore and so many thoughts to think and personalities to uncover and questions to ask, and all along He just wants to be with us.

It makes me want to cry. Not sure if you understand what I’m starting to grasp because I probably still have a lot more to unearth on this particular topic. God obviously does have goals and plans and a grand direction, an elaborate story to tell, but the end game is presented right there in the beginning of Genesis: going for a walk together. And what a walk it will be!

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

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P.S. I’d love to hear what you think because this idea seems fragile in my heart, like I’m still struggling to believe it could really be true that God would want us. Do you agree?

Why I’m Thankful for Mood Swings

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I haven’t been my best self lately, and I’m searching for the silver lining.

As usual, my husband has borne the brunt of my instability. I’ve had extreme mood swings for weeks — no, I’m not pregnant — and a few embarrassing low moments that shone an unwanted spotlight on my ugly side. A couple of counseling sessions later, I’m learning to remind myself in those dark places that my emotions are not my husband’s fault. My heart is my own responsibility.

Then, driving home from work the other day, I saw a house decorated with rainbow Christmas lights.

This probably sounds silly, but my whole body relaxed into happy enjoyment. I really, really like Christmas lights. When I got married on January 2nd, my mom asked the church to leave up the lights after Christmas so I’d have them for my wedding. Seeing those lights from my car the other day pulled me out of a spiritual stupor long enough to appreciate my surroundings.

Sometimes I hate my own feelings because they have the power to paralyze me, but I believe that God gave us emotions to reflect part of His character. He has big feelings, too. Maybe when I experience emotions more intensely, I can also love Him more deeply. Certain Bible verses mean more. Some church services hit harder. Everything makes me cry, so I might as well cry about Jesus.

Everything makes me cry, so I might as well cry about Jesus.

I never want to put too much stock in my emotions because they often lie to me. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I’m only grumpy because I’m hormonal; my boss isn’t actually being unreasonable; my husband doesn’t actually hate me; I shouldn’t completely unravel. Still, big emotions have their place in the Christian walk. Don’t they?

Thankfully, all of this craziness on my part hasn’t made my husband bitter against me. He’s so willing to forgive. I will continue to try not to blame him for my feelings. At the same time, I did allow myself to feel big emotions at a Christmas concert tonight. After all, as the singer reminded me, the same Jesus who held babies in his lap will also descend from heaven with a sword coming out of his mouth. That’s worth being thrilled about!

Lord, use my weakness to clear the cobwebs from my heart so that You may take up residence there. Put my unstable, fickle feelings to use for Your kingdom. Thank you for Christmas lights.

Love,

The Reluctant Bride

Don’t run from tests and hardships, brothers and sisters. As difficult as they are, you will ultimately find joy in them; if you embrace them, your faith will blossom under pressure and teach you true patience as you endure. And true patience brought on by endurance will equip you to complete the long journey and cross the finish line — mature, complete, and wanting nothing. – James 1:2-4 (The Voice Bible)

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